I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
