so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize