I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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