apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
