paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
