he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
