Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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