my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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