I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
