I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
