what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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