listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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