dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My pussy is not your playground.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
