Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
