You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
