my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
