my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So vagazzling was a success
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
