found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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