I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
