Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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