drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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