Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
