He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I want a musical about memes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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