The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
