i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
