we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
