I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
