May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
