You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
