You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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