Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
