He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
