I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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