We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
