Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
