I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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