we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
