she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
