There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You may now shotgun with the bride
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
