I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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