apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
