your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
