All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
