the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
