i would punch a child for taco bell
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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