you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
