I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
