Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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