i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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