well I can't set my house on fire every night
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
