you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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