Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
