happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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