I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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