i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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