FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
