i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
