I hate your face
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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