Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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